It's easy to have faith and trust in God when your life is sailing on smooth seas. It can still be easy to trust in God when the seas get a little choppy for just a short amount of time, and they are calmed before much time passes. When it feels as if you are lost at sea amidst a ferocious storm, and your light doesn't cast a beam through the fog, and you don't know if you are getting any closer to shore, your faith is tried to degrees you never thought possible.
If someone had told me over four years ago that I would still be single, I would have had a difficult time believing it. After all, how difficult could it really be to meet, date, fall in love, and re-marry someone again? For some people it seems to be a cakewalk. They get divorced, they meet somene fabulous in a matter of months or a couple of years, and they get another shot at happiness. I have probably "cake walked" around the world several times. Since I have so much practice, maybe I should start a show for divorcees called "The Amazing Cake Race." I'm sure it would look something like this
or this
or even this
Seriously though.....after a year goes by it gets discouraging. After a couple more years go by I start wondering is it me? After you fall in love again in year three and it ends in year four I asked, "why me?" and those who know me well know that I don't ask that very often.
There is so much I don't know, but this is what I do know. I have dated enough to know that there are men who find me attractive, funny, sexy, intelligent, kind, and stable....meaning I'm not some crazy whack job. Even though my marriage ended, I know how to love and have a relationship. For whatever reason, it just hasn't happened yet.
Married people often like to give advice to divorced people about being single. Not always a good idea. They tend to think that if you can't be happy being single that you are desperate and don't know how to be by yourself. My question for them is, "would you like to be by yourself?' It doesn't have anything to do with desperation, or the inability to be alone. This is a fabulous explanation said by this man right here.
"Love is something you and I must have. we must have it because our spirit feeds upon it, we must have it because, without it we become weak and faint. without love our self-esteem weakens. without it our courage fails. without love, we can no longer look out confidently at the world. with love, we are creative. with love, we march tirelessly. with love, and with love alone, we are able to sacrifice for others." Chief Dan George, Geswanouth Slahoot, Tse-lai-Watt Nation (1899-1981)
I have felt all of these thing at one point or another over the last few years, and many of them at the same time. Maybe I continue to try because I"m stubborn. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe it's because I usually see the glass more full than empty. Maybe it's for the reasons Chief Dan George stated. Yes, there is love for children, friends, family, and fellow man. But love for a spouse, a companion, friend, and lover fills a need and a place that the others can't.
I know I'm not alone in my trials. I have many friends who are going through similar ones, or something of an entirely different nature that is just as difficult for them. Maybe the miracle isn't that our struggles are taken away. Some people's struggles will never be resolved in this lifetime. Maybe the miracle is that we are able to get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And we do it again tomorrow, and the next day after that...but maybe, just maybe, I will receive my desired miracle. Maybe...
I've had to wait so long because my kids needed to grow up a little more. Maybe I needed to learn how to have my needs met, not just meet someone else's. Maybe....God has had the perfect man in mind for me all of these years and he's just been waiting for him to be ready. For me to be ready. For both of us to be ready for each other.
I'm trying.
